my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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