he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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