Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
