I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
