I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
