I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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