you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
