My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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