Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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