Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
