The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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