I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
