do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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