More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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