if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
