and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
