Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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