woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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