she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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