hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
