Already got asked if we're dating
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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