Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
