i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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