I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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