Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
