fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
