highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
