And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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