I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
