pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
