just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Randomize
