so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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