There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
