I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
