At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Someone shattered a urinal.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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