Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
