i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
