Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
