Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
