Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
