and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
