girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
