you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
