My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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