Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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