The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
