Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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