Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
