I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
