So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
