i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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