You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
