I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
