I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
